Self Improvement

Moving Forward

Us all fancied up.

Todd and I at our vow renewal. He still makes my heart a flutter after 24 years.

Todd was critically injured on our anniversary.  It was our 15th year one, to be exact. Not only was he badly injured, but he lost two of his friends at the same time. Most of you who have been through combat understand that these sort of losses are never forgotten. The survivor’s guilt that comes along with it never leaves.

At first, I vowed that somehow, we would still honor our anniversary. Seriously, the Taliban almost got my husband, I refused to let them get our day, too. However, the invisible wounds of war are some of the worst and as September would roll around, the dark cloud of grief would roll in right at the end of the month, smother the joy out of the whole month of October and linger until November.

I am proud of my husband. He puts in the painful work with his counselor to be compassionate to the grief of this and other horrible experiences from war. We see a neurologist for the chronic migraine sort of headaches my husband endures as a result of his moderate brain injury. He is one of the best doctors I have ever seen. His empathy, kindness and emphasis on neuroplasticity has been very helpful for us moving forward. He was the one that first thought up the idea of getting a vow renewal as a way to move forward. We had never considered it.

Neuroplasticity is the concept that the brain is focused on survival. The brain is designed to remember pain first in order to keep you from hurting or killing yourself. When a brain injury occurs, the millions of pathways in the neurons and blood vessels are damaged, blocked, and eventually the brain starts re-wiring itself. Neuroplasticity explains that when you provide your mind with positive things, that it helps the brain create new pathways that connect its memory to enjoyment. I have to say this really does help. For the past 3 years, horse therapy has been one of those purposeful joys that really has improved my husband’s quality of life.  His recreational therapist has also been extremely helpful. Providing him with something new to learn, in his case photo development with black and white film. This is an amazing new hobby and he is really getting good at it. He is really engrossed in learning all he can and we bought him an SLR, too.

Check out http://reset.me/story/neuroplasticity-the-10-fundamentals-of-rewiring-your-brain/  There is also a great book our doctor recommended on Amazon called Neuroplastic Transformation Workbook by Michael H. Moskowitz M.D.  http://a.co/78gQp26 

I recommend it for you caregivers as well. Your lives are just as important, and your mental health equally so. No one deserves to be unhappy or unfulfilled. Do this bit of work and you will be rewarded. Seriously, what do you have to lose?  That is also one of the helpful things for me on the darker days that still happen but fortunately not as often in a week. I work on something that brings me purposeful joy like dancing or being outside.

I haven’t written much in this blog in two years.  Life has been super busy in the past two years and my mind hasn’t wanted to dig into the deep cathartic emotional topics. In the past two years we have been on a really good path. I became a caregiver to my elderly aunt, and having her close by and getting to spend time with her has been a joy for me. She has the most can-do attitude better than most people my age. She isn’t afraid to speak her mind and she is sharp as a tack. She honestly is one of my role models.

I really have been focusing on mindfulness, which is a huge complement to neuroplasticity. http://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/

Basically you reframe your thoughts on what you’re dealing with. Instead of saying,”Sigh..I have to drive us to the VA today and deal with a lot of painful bureaucracy,” I try to think of it as,”I am lucky my husband is here in my life. I get to hold his hand and walk through the VA today with him. Let’s see what we can accomplish.” The focus on a more positive aspect really helps. I will even put on a cute outfit, just to make him smile.

Those that know me personally know I am a dark, sarcastic and very skeptical thinker. Kind of like an artist/scientist hybrid. A mathematically challenged scientist. Some of my favorite memes deal with Skinner’s cat.  Alright, back to the original concept of mindfulness.  You can go on YouTube and find a lot of free stuff. This is really fantastic. There even are mindfulness concept coloring books. Feel free to share your Skinner memes with me though, they truly crack me up.

You have to have humor in your life as that makes it all bearable.

 

 

 

 

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More than This

lipsense lipsMany of us were in the middle of doing something with our careers as independent women before dealing with major catastrophes in our lives such as an IED blast in our life. Pretty much a giant bomb went off in mine not only in terms of how it hurt my husband, but how it disrupted our life. However, there were positive things that came out of it.

What were you doing? What were you in the midst of? What are things you want to do once you feel that things are a bit more even keel? What are some of the criteria you use on your life for that “even keel?” Is it a winding down of medical practitioner visits? Not so many visits to the VA? One hospitalization a year vs 6? Is it him and you now sleeping more at night? (If so, I am very happy for both of you!) I would love to hear what it is that constitutes smooth sailing for you.

I was talking to my counselor a few months ago and she asked me something I hadn’t thought of in a long time. “What were you doing before your husband got hurt and what would you like to do or do differently when things get as close to normal for you?” I think it was a good fifteen minutes before I could answer her. I hadn’t really thought about it in so long. I had left it behind during the grief part of everything. So what do I like doing? What are things that drive ME? What were things I was good at? I had forgotten the idea of me along the way.

I was at a retreat with an amazing group almost two years ago called Courage Beyond and one of the exercises we got to do was painting. I had forgotten how much I truly love watching the color play on the canvas. What fun it was to mix colors and create my own palette. Kind of like how I have always enjoyed playing with makeup and hair, but went to college for Journalism and Broadcast instead. Anyone that knows me sees my love for color, retro fashions, and the old glamour pin-up looks from the 50’s. You can check out my page here:
href=”http://www.senegence.com/beautythatlasts”>

I have been thinking. I love belly dancing, painting, burlesque, writing and so much more. How do I pick something and narrow it down? One advantage of all of the changes in our life is that I was saved from my boring job at a large computer company and pursuing my MBA. I was one course in it and had earned a B before Todd got hurt. One course that made me think “why do I care about capitol management and why is it so damn boring?” I had no desire to manage people and deal with HR issues. I had no desire to be someone’s sales monkey anymore. Selling lots of hardware and seeing very little commission or anything in return.

For the past few years I have been ballet dancing and belly dancing. I love dancing. It is in my blood and I feel so happy and calm and like my old self when I do it. It is one of the best forms of exercise I know and something I can do for hours without it feeling as boring as being on a treadmill. I did the Shimmy Mob a year ago and got to perform with a bunch of women to benefit an agency that helped victims of domestic violence. It was empowering and fun and something I will do again.

I used to sell Artistry makeup when we did Amway back in the early ’90’s. I really enjoyed doing make overs for women and watching them be happy with their reflections. When I was younger, I used to do some modeling and learned a lot about techniques and different cosmetic lines. I used to buy a lip color called LipSense from my friend whose aunt sold it. It was amazing as I could dance and it would stay put. Of course, my favorite color is Blu Red. It looks like a Hollywood lip color the stars of the 50’s used. As a dancer, I got hooked on it.

I decided last summer to sell it myself for a few reasons. One being it was a lot easier having direct access to and the rest of the amazing product line and two, I miss having a job that pays me a real salary. I miss having my own business. This was a compromise. I get to play with colors and see women happy with themselves instead of tearing themselves down. So, it was a step I made to do something fun for me. It does not involve anything wounded. Nothing military. Nothing manly. Nothing predictable. Nothing medical. It is all fun. It is work, but fun.

Something that reminds me that I was a woman who had her own career, her own life before some idiot terrorist blew up life as I knew it. The blast is NOT who we are as a family. It is something that seriously was one of the worst things ever, but honestly it made us grow together as a family, as a couple and made me grow and mature as a wife and mother. I refuse to be defined by something that is no longer. It has been four years since this tragic event happened.

I choose to honor the people lost by living the life I have left. Enjoying my days with my family. Making the most of the time I have with my husband. Basking in the glow of his good days and treasuring the wonderful friends I have made during this major change in my life. This is not a blog piece about my makeup line, but a piece I felt like writing as it deals with change. Change for yourself. Change to make you feel more like you. How to get yourself back. Sure, our service members were wounded, but they are our men. Our husbands, lovers, fathers…so many roles they play in life just like we do. I have been focusing on ways to encourage him to make changes in his life as I have done with mine. At the end of the day, we are husband and wife and parents of a wonderful son.

Not victims. Not over. Not lost.

More changes ahead. Stay tuned!

Got Stimulants?

pinup imageI was chatting on facebook with a mutual wife of a wounded service member. We were talking about what sort of substances one might get find themselves hooked on in our caregiver lifestyle of never enough sleep and always so much to do.

Here are the top ten, the caveat is this is for humorous purposes only. Addictions are nothing to laugh at, unless your addiction is to a really strange fetish like parakeet feet and then I am going to totally have a belly laugh at you and your parakeet. Poor, sad parakeet.

If you really find that you do have some sort of substance abuse issue with any of these substances, contact your local mental health provider as there are many ways to clean yourself up.

So, without further adieu, here are the top ten most likely to be over used stimulants available to us in the USA.

1. Coffee
2. Sodas whether diet or regular, the caffeine is the same
3. Energy Drinks – I used to depend on Sugar Free Red Bull to get me back and forth safely on the long drives to Ft. Sam Houston and back to Taylor and back to FSH again. My weekends would rack up 500 miles. I never wanted to drive tired with precious cargo in the car such as our son. So, sugar free red bull, twix, chips, and other things to perk me up were frequent passengers.
4. Energy Shots
5. Spark and other safe vitamin concoctions designed to perk you up using high amounts of B vitamins and such.
6. Herbal concoctions such as Ma Huang, aka Epehedra, Ripped Fuel, or Xenadrine
7. Wellbutrin – I have heard some people take this prescribed antidepressant because it tends to perk them up. Messing with your brain chemistry is never advocated. Seizures, worse depression, all sorts of crap could go down for you and your quest to find energy.
8. Amphetamines- if you are overweight and your doctor is old school, you might be getting prescribed these. Warning- speed kills. If you are taking these from a purchase off of a street corner pharmacist, you will find yourself arrested if these aren’t legally prescribed. You will get so strung out you might neglect your kids, your dog, and your wounded warrior. Bad, bad caregiver!
9. Cocaine- illegal, bad, horrible stuff and very much going to get you arrested if you use it. Not to mention bad for parenting! Also, that constant sniff and bugging out coke addicts do is very annoying. Blow your damn nose already!
10. When cocaine and amphetamines can’t do the trick, some junkies just go right for Crystal Meth. Although I can perceive the bonus of tweaking around and being awake for days, I am really attached to my healthy, pretty teeth and my skin. I have noticed how people that use speed and meth and other illicit narcotics tend to age faster than an average person. It really makes the face look horrible.

So, what can you do in a healthy manner to give you some energy that will not get you arrested, keep your health, teeth and sanity in check?
You can exercise. Get outside. The recharging of your D vitamins is very important. Vitamin D3 is super important for pain management (good for your wounded buddy, too) and you can only get it by taking a supplement or getting out in the son. Many of us (moi included) run a bit short on this. Tricare will cover labs to check this. It is amazing to me how much energy I feel from getting out with my pup on the leash. It is energizing. I use the time to clear my head, do some deep breathing, and focus on my pace and the dog and what he is investigating. Just getting out of your home can make you feel happier. Get a friend to meet you at a park and you have double the energy. Seriously. It is one of my favorite things to do.